Oh heeeey, New England!

Hello, my loves. So much has happened in the past couple weeks, but I’ll give you the short version so we can get on to the good stuff. The school year ended and I said goodbye to my first batch of graduating seniors at the college where I work. I was supposed to stay in Fargo for a bit, but had to unexpectedly get back to the deep south. My grandfather passed away and I needed to be with my family for the funeral. Two days before he died, one of my dearest friends from undergrad succumbed to the brain cancer he’d been battling since our junior year. Worst double booking of my life, I assure you of that. I couldn’t be with Jordan’s family and our friends since I had to be with my own family to say goodbye to Granddad.

Just a couple days later, I packed up my life again and now I’m back in New England for my summer job. I didn’t think I’d ever come back out to the East Coast, but none of my other offers pay as well as this one and unfortunately I have to follow the money at this point in my career. I feel kind of like a shit because of this since I told the Nerd in no uncertain terms that I’d probably never be back to Rhode Island, but here I am. I love this company and my colleagues, so that’s a definite plus, but still. Wing night with the carpenters, putting up shows with my best friend in the world, promotion, it’s all amazing.

I swear we're all professionals...

I swear we’re all professionals…

Should I feel awful about being back? I’m not sure at this point. It’s highly unlikely that we’ll cross paths, but it makes me nervous since he hasn’t spoken to me at all since November. I’ll cross that bridge if I ever get to it, I guess!

And since I’ve been back in the staff house here, I’ve already found a lovely carpenter to play with. He doesn’t seem to have any qualms with leaving me bruised up, but he won’t actually sleep with me. Biff and I have all sorts of theories as to why this is, all of them more ridiculous than the last. He’s more than fine with getting me off, but stops me every time I try to reciprocate. If you have any ideas as to what this could mean, I’d be thrilled to hear them. He’s since seemed to have moved on to another individual in his affections, but maybe he’ll rotate back around? I completely support any and all casual summer hookups, though, good for him!

In a nutshell, summer.

In a nutshell, summer.

I was bummed to leave Fargo when I did, though. I had to turn down a date night with a lovely couple I’d been talking to for a bit, so I hope they find someone absolutely wonderful in my absence. I know they will, they seemed really nice. Good conversation, witty, adorable. They’ll have no problems on that front.

On a more upbeat note, I got a new tattoo before I left Georgia! My first sleeve is slowly getting closer to completion and I’ve already got plans for a couple more. I’ll be getting a Dostoyevsky quote for Jordan and I think a hummingbird and maybe some bluebells for my granddad. We’ll see about my income, though, them bitches get real pricey. I’ll figure it out one of these days!

Also, I’m currently the only one working in my shop right now. My immediate supervisor is out shopping today, so I’m in the middle of restocking the last show of the previous season. I did find an amazing pair of boots in the shoe bins, though. I coveted them all last summer and my boss totally said I could take them home with me as a start of the season present. SO STOKED. The Nerd has my last pair of perfect Domme boots, but these will serve as a good replacement, I think. They’re a little more stereotypical than the last ones, but I’ll take free boots any day of the week! What do y’all think?

Awwww yiiisssss!

Awwww yiiisssss!

It’ll be interesting to see about getting back into the New England BDSM scene. I was gone for a good long while, but maybe I’ll throw myself back in with both feet. Both excellently clad feet! AND my best friend said she’d totally come to a fetish club with me in NYC, so fingers crossed that can happen this summer. If you guys have any suggestions for places to visit, I’d be more than happy to hear them. Biff is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum as me so it’d be super fun for us to go together. And somehow I think her boyfriend would accompany us on this adventure. We’d be one attractive group of humans, not even gonna lie. And with my new shoes I’d finally be as tall as they are! Nailed it.

That’s all I’ve got for tonight, team, but maybe I’ll have another update for you in the next week or so if anything thrilling happens. Love you all, don’t forget!

 

Getting back in the saddle

Good morning, my loves! You’ll have to forgive me for disappearing for a hot second, work was absolutely insane. I’ve officially opened my last show of the school year at my new job and I’m thrilled to say they’ve decided to let me come back and hang out again next year. And I’ll be teaching my own classes instead of just assisting with a couple. Which is amazing and terrifying at the same time. I’ll be able to actually put down roots here for a little bit and I’ve never really had that opportunity before. Next year I’m hoping to live in downtown Fargo (fingers crossed on finding a decent loft!) and I’m totally joining the roller derby team that tried to recruit me at the beginning of this year.

On a slightly more amusing note, my students and colleagues finally got to meet the snippy bitch version of myself. I don’t pull out the Domme face at work, but sometimes you just have to. The one that comes out after being prodded in all the right ways to make me want to slap something. And/or someone. Fortunately, hitting my students wouldn’t go over well at all, so I restrained myself. During tech week of shows, once everyone’s dressed and ready to go, I get to sit in the audience and take notes on all the things I’m seeing that are wrong. After being told on more than one occasion not to try and alter her own clothing, strike three happened with one particular actor.

Apparently I've been watching too much Hannibal...

Apparently I’ve been watching too much Hannibal…

I’m the most chill and happy person you’ll ever meet in your life, but I literally hunted this girl down backstage during the show. And then afterwards we had a sit down about respecting the work. I don’t run up on stage and try to trip actors as they’re coming out of the wings so I expect them to show me the same courtesy with my work. The director was thrilled that I was finally letting out a scary side and my student designers were absolutely terrified even though I was in no way annoyed with them. It was liberating.

Ultimate cosmic power!

Ultimate cosmic power!

But seriously.

But seriously.

Anyways! Enough about work, I’m over it. On a more personal note, I had probably one of the most boring dates of my life the other night. I don’t even know what to nickname him, nothing at all stands out. Online he seemed pretty funny and easy to talk to, but apparently that doesn’t bleed over into the real world. I really don’t like the kinds of people who just yammer on during conversation, but I felt like I had to be that girl in order to make any kind of discourse happen. Awkward silence on a first date makes me want to curl up in a corner and never come out and he most certainly wasn’t carrying his weight in making sure it didn’t happen.

Once I get to know someone, comfortable silence is lovely. Biff and I can be in the same room for hours, not say a damn thing, and have it be one of the most fun things in the world. But we’ve known each other long enough that we can make that happen. Not so much with this gentleman. He was just so incredibly dull.

Not even as exciting as watching grass grow. Truly.

Not even as exciting as watching grass grow. Truly.

And I assumed he thought the same about me! He literally pulled the, “Oh, I didn’t think it was so late!” card out and booked it. But weirdly enough he angled for a second date and I had to turn him down. Granted, work just ate my every waking moment for the past two weeks, but still.

It is in part because of this that I’m deciding to bite the bullet and get back on FetLife. It’s going on a year since I’ve been on, so maybe it’s time to get back out there. I’m not in the market for anything serious at all, but it’d be nice to just talk to some likeminded folks again. Once I’d found the Nerd I didn’t feel the need to keep talking to other subs, it didn’t seem like a polite thing to do since he wanted a monogamous relationship, so I just kind of disappeared into the ether. And then when things ended I didn’t immediately throw myself back into the pool, that doesn’t feel polite or healthy to me. But things came to a close in mid November and I haven’t seen the Nerd since August so I think I’m ready to casually chat some people up. Well, people in the lifestyle I prefer, at least.

In short, I’m tired of being bored. I hate going into things knowing I’m going to be disappointed. I’m tired of men saying things like, “Oh, you like it rough, huh?” and then laughing and thinking they’re doing me a favor by pulling my hair. I want people who actually understand the things I need and aren’t freaked out by them. So FetLife is my best bet. You can find me over there if you search Mistress_Carmine, so feel free to look me up if you want to continue our conversations in another place.

Also, it’s amusingly difficult to keep nosy people at a crowded Starbucks from looking over your shoulder to see what you’re doing online. I’m trying not to get thrown out, but FetLife currently has some girl strung up in spiderweb bondage blaring across the homepage. Lord, one day my memoirs are gonna be choice.

Online Dating?

Hello, my darlings! This post is going to be a little all over the place, there are a lot of random things going on in my brain this evening. The Nerd and I parted ways around the beginning of November, so it’s been a while since last I played. There are a couple things that I’m really starting to feel the loss of and I’d like to share since I’m sure most of you would feel the same way in a similar situation.

I really miss the pleasure of tying someone up. I miss being allowed to lovingly wind someone in rope. I’ve always enjoyed the contrast of colors on someone’s skin (this is probably why my own tattoo collection keeps growing) and the human body is such a beautiful canvas. My rope collection is far away in New England. The Nerd has literally my entire arsenal of fun things to play with – if he hasn’t done away with them, I wouldn’t judge in the least if he has – and I haven’t even begun to build it back up. He even has my best pair of boots and I freaking love those beasties. Granted, I have no one here in the Midwest to use such implements on, but I don’t even have the comfort of knowing they’re within reach. He always looked beautiful in ropes, I suppose that’s another thing I miss. He would ask for them and it was something I never felt the need to deny. I’m falling out of practice, I can feel it, and I hate that.

 

Pretty. Much.

Pretty. Much.

I miss catering to someone’s needs before they even know what those needs are. One of my favorite things about domination is starting to understand my partner’s thought process. Knowing what’s best for them before they do. I like to think of myself as a giving sort of individual and getting inside someone’s head is a gorgeous experience. That moment when they initially struggle against something before all the tedium and apprehensions of the day slowly drain away and they can only focus on the two of us. It’s a two-sided process; I provide an escape from the day to day and they allow me to have it. Taking care of another person and having them submit to me is a powerful gift, a humbling gift, and I want that back in my life. Yet at the same time I don’t want to be romantically attached to someone since all I seem to do is move. Bah!

"He learned the word 'conundrum'."

“He learned the word ‘conundrum’.”

If you’ve seen my Twitter feed at all lately, you’ve seen me posting things from my adventures in online dating. I say ‘dating’ lightly. My profile clearly states in no uncertain terms that I don’t want anything serious and I’m just looking to meet folks in town, but some of the messages I’ve received are just hilarious. I’ve been off the site for about a week and a half, but I’ll jump back on it today and see if there are any fun prospects. If your profile picture is of you holding a deer carcass and you open a conversation with the size of your junk, I officially want nothing to do with you as a human.

 

At least he said hello before moving on to the dimensions of his junk?

At least he said hello before moving on to the dimensions of his junk?

Granted, I haven’t gotten what I really want out of meeting any of these people (yet), but I’ve had one successful date thus far. The Norwegian was incredibly wholesome, like many of the men out in these parts. Blond, blue-eyed, generically attractive, works with at risk children, and vanilla as they come. At one point he said, and I quote, “Oh, you like it rough, huh?” I’m ashamed to admit that I laughed. It was stifled and he didn’t hear, but I still felt like a bitch because of it.

I would never scoff at someone’s sexual preferences. I’ve had that done to me more times than I can count and I won’t ever make someone else feel like that. It’s nothing against this terribly nice and pleasant young man. He was just looking for a satisfying one night stand without any of the bells and whistles that I like. And I’m not one of those people who seem to feel that because someone isn’t on the same wavelength as me, they’re somehow not good enough. That’s half the reason I didn’t go out much in the BDSM circles in New England! I felt like some of those people who should have been supportive and allies were looking down on me because I wasn’t into puppy play or whatever the flavor of the month was. I know what I like. I know what works for me. And so long as you know those things about yourself, you aren’t harming anyone, and your partners are on board, I say go for it! I’m just not going to be finding what I really need on this particular dating site.

But I’m starting to get that itch under my skin again. The one that tells you you’re wasting your time on things that aren’t satisfying. The one that makes your skin feel like it’s too tight for your body and that there’s lighting crackling just under the surface of things where people can’t see, but they can feel that something’s just a little bit off. I’m an incredibly well adjusted and happy individual and that is in part because I let off steam in such a way that is constructive to me. Maybe I should start going to the shooting range again. Or take up kick boxing.

I swear, I'm gonna just Hulk out one of these days.

I swear, I’m gonna just Hulk out one of these days.

One of my colleagues likes to troll the personals on craigslist and he’s taken to sending me any post that sounds even vaguely like it was written by a sub. I’ve read a couple of them but they all sound like chunks of text taken straight off Wikipedia. People who want to be “humbly obedient to you, O divine one” and others who want to try “traversing into sadomasochism.” I’m not a deity and I want to do more than traverse. I’ll traverse all over you with my boots, watch out. Maybe I need to get back onto FetLife and see if there’s anybody out here. What else are people supposed to do when it’s negative forty degrees out?! It’s so cold here, all I want is to drink and whip someone! Though definitely not at the same time, that’s hella not safe. Public service announcement of the day: don’t mix BDSM and booze!

Also! A big lovely thank you to Domina Jen and writingthebody for having such kind words to say about my last post. They managed to plow through my drunken, emo ramblings and actually figure out what I was trying to say because they are beautiful humans. And some of the most uplifting people I’ve ever had the pleasure of talking to. So thank you both, I really needed to hear those things. 🙂

I warned you up front, all over the place tonight. I have another post in mind for a couple days from now – it’ll be more focused, I promise. You guys are all dolls, don’t forget it for a second. Oh! As a closing notion: what would y’all think if I did a podcast or audio version of the blog to go along with the written one? I thought it might be a fun way to spend some of my evenings and if you could all stomach a faint southern accent on some words, it could be a good time! Thoughts?

An Unexpected Journey

Before we begin, I’m going to say that this post might deserve trigger warnings. I do so wish life had those, so I’ll be giving you some. If abuse from a partner isn’t something you can read about, maybe give this one a hard pass. And not in a play or scene sense. I’m actually going into detail about some parts of my life that I prefer to keep close to the chest, but I think it’s time I get them out in the open and keep moving on. That being said, maybe this will help somebody else out there realize that maybe they’re being taken advantage of and they can pull themselves up.

My loves, I did some thinking this evening. A big part of many college level theatre programs is the outside adjudication that happens after a performance. Someone completely unrelated to the team comes in, watches the show and then lets the performers, creatives and tech folk know what they thought of the production as a whole. They discuss everything from lighting choices to text analysis. One of the big moments of the show comes where the father, a cheating, philandering type, is driving and then hits his wife who is sitting beside him in the front seat. His children are the back seat looking on.

The violence is shown in a very stylized manner and is then repeated many times before flash forward scenes of the kids. The respondent had a very interesting take on it and discussed the stage combat connotations of striking someone with the front of the hand versus the back, which is what the man did. He used words like aggression and anger and said that to hit someone in that fashion is basically telling the other party that they’re almost subhuman and that they have no regard for them at all as a living being.

One of the most interesting parts about the show is that there are so many different life topics discussed; almost everyone in the audience can find something to connect with. Homophobia, racial themes, infidelity, being cast aside, not having enough. But it was the relationship between the parents that really got to me the most. Having been in an abusive relationship, this outside perspective from a man I’ve only met twice got me to thinking about parts of my life that I thought I’d moved on from. But apparently not. This isn’t something that I talk about, but I’d really like to take a moment to get it out of my head. Biff and Sister know most of the things that happened, but not really to the extent that they did. It’s not something one casually discusses even years after the fact.

You hear about people staying with partners who hurt them and you think things like, “How could they be such idiots? If someone’s hurting you, why don’t you just leave? How difficult could this be? Stop letting someone take advantage of you, it doesn’t matter if you think you love them or not!” And I was very much one of those people. I’m a woman that can stand up for herself and takes a view on relationships that comes across as much too logical for some people’s tastes. I mean, I ended things with the Nerd and he was easily the best man I’ve ever dated.

An added dimension of confusion is that I really like being hurt in some situations. The difference is that a lot of the time in this one particular relationship it was against my consent. And instead of being hurt, I was being harmed. There’s such a massive difference and I don’t think I grasped this at the time. I was new to the BDSM lifestyle and thought it was just how things worked. I mean, I’d been into the rougher side of things in the bedroom and loved the psychological aspect of dominance, but I hadn’t ever had a partner willing to explore the things I wanted.

There are times when it can be hard to be a little redheaded girl with a smile for everyone who also wants somebody to take her boots off for her. It’s hard to be soft spoken in every day life and then tell a prospective partner that you’d love to take a razor to their skin because wouldn’t that be so pretty to see? And when you find someone who agrees, you jump at the chance. One of my favorite partners would say this to people: “I could take a two by four to that girl and she’d still call me a pussy.” And as flattering as that is, that’s why we never got farther than sleeping with each other, we didn’t want the same things. But then I found the one I wanted and he was more than I could have ever imagined.

He was charming and funny and his brain was wired just like mine. Or so I thought. We’d known each other since we were in high school (apparently we both had mad crushes one each other as kids), lost touch and then got back in contact when I was a junior in college. Things just went from there.

And this man was beautiful. I thought he was so far out of my league it was stupid. He was built like a Greek statue, cheekbones for days. Literally one of the most stunning men I’d ever seen. And for some reason he wanted me. And didn’t think what I wanted to do in the bedroom was strange.

But it was the comment on backhanding from the respondent that got me thinking. That was one of his favorite forms of starting off a punishment. It’s far more personal than a whip or a paddle; bare skin has a grounding that a lot of implements just can’t deliver. But I don’t think he ever once hit me like that during a scene. Instead, I’d be repeatedly struck for taking a turn too sharp while we were in the car. Or because I hadn’t been paying attention well enough. Or for no reason at all. I’m a firm believer that punishment is never an option unless there are well-defined sets of rules that both parties have agreed upon outside the confines of a scene. I feel like this is one of the basic tenets of safe, sane and consensual. Nothing is sexier from a partner than consent.

I used to have a scar over one of my eyes from where he missed with a flogger. He was aiming for my back, I hope, and hit too high up on my shoulder. Some of the flails wrapped around the side of my face and when he pulled back, the braided leather tore open right above my eyelid. And instead of acting like a proper Dom in a scene that wasn’t about blood letting and stopping, he just continued. I don’t even know if he noticed. I started wearing a lot more eye makeup after that.

This was the kind of man who probably was a legitimate sadist. He liked pain and blood and fear and it didn’t matter if the other person wanted it or not. The kind of man who scoffed at safewords and didn’t think they were necessary. The physical mark faded after a couple years, but that’s not just something you can easily forget. As much as I love making someone hurt for me, if both people aren’t in agreement on what’s going on, then that’s tantamount to assault in my book.

The second time I was with him he got me drunk and handcuffed me naked to a floor safe. Then he left. After putting American Psycho on the laptop he set next to me. I barely knew this man and he was leaving me alone in the most vulnerable way you can to another person. He was his own version of Patrick Bateman and I guess this was his way of letting me know. And it might sound silly, but I was terrified. And not in a fun way. I was in a strange city with a man I barely knew and he left me in the dark, all alone.

The only times I’ve ever hit subspace were with him. And it was breathtaking and scary and everything I ever wanted, but when the drop would hit afterwards he wouldn’t be there with me. I’d be shaking and crying without being able to stop and it was like he just didn’t care. Sure, he might hold me for a bit while I came down, but it was never something that was discussed. I was just being a pansy for not being able to control myself.

He didn’t personally drink, but he loved to get me completely plastered and do things that I wouldn’t consent to sober. If I said I’d never done a certain thing or didn’t really feel like what he wanted, well, a couple shots of whisky will fix that right up. And I loved him so much that I went along with it. He even used the classic lines like, “You might have said no, but your body was telling me yes the whole time.” I was so intoxicated I could barely move, how was this telling him that I was totally down for anal when I’d never done it before? Thank god I was drunk, though, he didn’t seem to understand the kind of prep that should go into that particular act.

I ended up adding numbing creams to my overnight bags and just using them preemptively because I never knew what he’d be doing despite the fact that I told him that wasn’t something I personally enjoyed. And then his friends would laugh in my face while he called me a whore. A little humiliation in a scene is fine with me if my partner has said they’re a fan, but out in the every day sphere of things? No, thank you.

My scalp would be sore for days from how hard he would yank on my hair. Using a brush shouldn’t be a painful experience, but with him it was par for the course. I used to wear the bruises he left like a badge of honor. Look at how strong I am. Look at what I can endure for the man that I love. I thought they were so beautiful and hated having to cover them up; he had given me a physical reminder of the fact that he wanted me and I craved that. But I wasn’t allowed to mark him. I looked like a victim of domestic abuse because, as I’ve come to figure out, I was, but if I left the tiniest mark on him there would be hell to pay.

And it wasn’t all physical. He controlled what I ate, how I looked, lots of things. And in the most subtle, passive aggressive ways. I’m a human being, I really enjoy the finer things in life. Like cookies. And, I don’t know, bread. But he was just so perfect and stunning and could strap almost two hundred pounds to himself and then do pullups. So I wouldn’t eat for three days at a time and then when I was dry heaving in the middle of the night, I’d have a handful of cereal and then go to the gym for two hours. I’m five foot six and weighed about a hundred and twenty pounds. And I still wasn’t good enough. I was anorexic, depressed and so stupidly in love.

And now that I’m shaped more like a normal human, I have to deal with my extended family asking what the hell happened to me, I used to be so lovely. I don’t know, maybe now I’m actually happy with myself as a person and don’t feel the need to look like a starving child soldier. One of my students jokingly called me fat the other day and it was like I was 21 all over again. I know he didn’t mean it, but mental scars fade just as slowly as physical ones.

And yes, sometimes our relationship was amazing. Sometimes I could hold his hand in public and it would feel like the biggest achievement of my life. Sometimes he would say I looked all right. Sometimes he could be everything in the world I actually needed instead of what I just thought I needed. My friends all assured me that even though he never said the words, what he did for me showed that he was just as in love as I was. We were the perfect couple.

And then in my reverse fairytale life, I was dumped the day after the ball. Literally a ball, we would go to those. Military. (Sidenote: He saw my dress that night and asked me why the hell he’d want to be seen by his colleagues with a stripper. Because my BCBG gown had a low back.) He asked if I was in love with him. We’d been together for almost two years by this point and known each other since we were 13 – of course I loved him. He was everything and I told him as much. I was then informed that he’d never loved me and never would, I was silly for thinking the way I did. He told me how pretty I looked while I was crying and not to do anything stupid like lose my job because I was too heartbroken to leave my apartment. Then he got in his car and drove away.

And my life as I knew it fucking ended. How could I be myself without him telling me who that was? What had I done wrong? To quote the show I just came from, “He does not love me. Why does he not love me?” Even that one line from a monologue hit me as hard as he used to. I would send him messages once a week telling him I was still in love. “It’s Tuesday, so I still love you.” I never got anything back.

The last time I saw him it was because I was moving up the coast and he wanted his things back. So I had to come to him, be on his turf, and then I was scolded for not bringing everything he wanted. And I could never be what he wanted. I was almost 23 and having a panic attack, bawling in my car because he was still just as beautiful as I remembered. And I would never have him again.

I say I’ve subbed before, but looking back, that’s not what it was at all. Yes, I was submitting. I was giving everything to the man I loved, but I was getting nothing constructive in return. A good Dom/me is looking out for their sub, protecting them. He wasn’t. Even just a good person wants what is best for their partner. He didn’t. He didn’t want a sub, what he wanted was a punching bag with stars in her eyes. And I was such a willing volunteer because I just didn’t know better.

And sometimes I miss the Nerd so much it fucking hurts. I know we shouldn’t be together, he deserves someone who can actually be there for him and ten thousand other reasons, but it was so nice to be romantically with someone that I could trust. Who actually thought I was a perfect human being just the way I was and would only hurt instead of harm, just like I wanted.

The Nerd was actually the first man I’d dated after the one who tore me down like no one had ever done before. There were a couple years between the two and I never really told the Nerd about the one before. Maybe I should have, who knows. What is, is. Can’t change the past and there are parts of it I wouldn’t change for the world. Even some of the bad parts. They made me who I am today and for the most part, I’m pretty ok with myself. I have my horrible moments of self-loathing and doubt like every person out there, but there are a ridiculous amount of things in my life to be thankful for. I know I’ve come a long way since then even despite tonight’s trip down the rabbit hole that memory lane has become.

And now I want nothing to do with that man. We haven’t spoken in years and I’d love to keep it that way. I don’t want my friends to get in touch with him after reading this, I never want him to know how things looked like from my end of things. I’m sure his viewpoint is completely different and that’s fine with me. I’d like to keep the past exactly where it is even though it can still come back at the most inopportune times.

Sorry this got so introspective, team, I can honestly say it wasn’t my intent. The comment the adjudicator made didn’t even sink in right away. It wasn’t until halfway through his talk back that it hit. I am strong, independent and self-sufficient but there are occasions and comments that can make anybody flash right back to a place they never want to be again and I suppose that happened to me tonight. I wish that life could come with trigger warnings, I really do, thus the one I posted up at the top.

But anything can be combated with angsty word slinging, the Avett Brothers and a nice bottle of tempranillo, so thank you for sticking it out with me. I’m sure I’ll bounce right back tomorrow once I get to work, my students are really good at cheering me up. B gives great hugs and T will say something sassy while M is productive and lovely, thank goodness for all of them. But for now I say goodbye and you’re all beautiful regardless of what anyone has ever said to you, don’t you forget it for a moment.

For the Win!

My loves. Remember that one time a couple days ago when I said that all of my casual hookups had been vanilla and boring? I. Take. It. Fucking. Back. But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Spoiler alert, more pictures like this if you keep reading!

That is literally the size of my arm. Guh.

That is literally the size of my arm. Guh.

Let’s pretend it’s Thursday night. I’m wearing my bitchin’ party dress with the shoes that no sane person would ever wear. My chest is tastefully accented, the dress is short and the heels are fun and towering.

I'm nearly six feet tall in these bitches.

I’m nearly six feet tall in these bitches.

In short, I clean up halfway decent. Right when I’m about to head down to the hospitality suite across town, a Dear Friend shows up at my door with a pretty girl I’d never met before. Apparently this is a colleague who works at one of the other universities in the town we live in. We’ll call her Sets for distinction purposes. She’s a self proclaimed bit of an introvert who doesn’t really like parties full of people she’s never met, but when she ran into Dear Friend in the lobby he convinced her to come out with us. Thank goodness for that! It’s funny how you drive eight hours to a conference and end up meeting folks who live literally across the river from you.

Sets and I hit it off like a house on fire. She’s absolutely lovely, only about eight years older than me as opposed to the twenty and thirty year age differences of most of my colleagues, and was fabulous conversation. On the walk to the conference center, Dear Friend informed her of our plan to hook me up with the lighting designer. Dear Friend likes to be the center of the party – which he should since he’s absolutely riveting – so he’s a horrible wingman. He didn’t even know where to begin with such a task, so Sets took it upon herself to do the honors. After arriving, we posted up in a corner of the faculty suite, hiding discreetly behind our drinks, and began to scan the room looking for potential conversation partners to join us. As of yet there was no sign of Lights so we found a charming Russian man and proceeded to introduce ourselves.

Drinks were quickly consumed and the banter turned sparkling and easy instead of the stunted professional talk that can happen at these events. An open bar is such fantastic social lubricant. By this point my new friend and I had taken up residence in a part of the room that let us observe all the goings on and were holding court with a lovely group of people. And then Lights arrived. By means of very discreet and furtive hand and eye motions, since I’m incredibly subtle when I’m halfway plastered, Sets was made aware of his presence. Keep in mind that now she’s pretty hammered. Chardonnay is a fickle pal.

This is pretty damn accurate.

This is pretty damn accurate.

From across the room, we watch him chat pleasantly with another young man for a good bit of the night. Eye contact is made, smiles are exchanged, and I make sure to have to squeeze past him to get back up to the bar. Smoke breaks are taken and I make sure to position myself next to him in the circle. Instead of manning up and starting my own conversation with him when we went back upstairs, I head back to Sets and Dear Friend. When consuming as much bourbon as I did that evening, it was probably a good idea I didn’t try too hard to drunkenly hit on him. In a pseudo professional setting, nobody likes that girl.

Two thirty rolls around and it’s decided that we should start the trek back to our hotel. In conference speak, that means everybody heads outside for the last cigarette and raunchy joke of the night. As I’m gathering my coat, I see Sets and Lights head out the door and immediately hear her start singing my praises.

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Sets: That girl is super hot, right?!

Lights: – mumbles something I can’t hear –

Sets: I mean, just look at her freaking legs!

Now I’m trying to stall walking out so I don’t have to break into a serious wingman moment with a flamingly red face. For someone as outgoing and prone to sharing as I am, if you look at me too long I’ll blush. It’s a problem. Dear Friend and I sweep dramatically into the hallway where I see Sets doing a fabulous wink/nudge move and I cavalierly ignore it.

She was a goddamn pro.

She was a goddamn pro.

After a brief cigarette, Sets valiantly tries to get him to walk back to our hotel with us. I realize this is a poor idea since I’m sharing a room with another colleague, but he politely declines and we make our way into the night. I found out later that the other gentlemen hanging around outside with us basically called him an idiot and said they were hoping to live vicariously through his success. Which was guaranteed.

Thankfully, my friends, the story does not end here! Fast forward to the next morning. After a super inadequate three hours of sleep, I drag myself out of bed for the designer breakfast looking like someone who was still wearing last night’s makeup and made no attempt to brush her hair. Fierce. So naturally Lights sits next to me while I try not to pass out in my coffee because I may or may not still be slightly drunk. Dear Friend made the sartorial choice of red pants with purple socks though, so at least it wasn’t just me. We all part ways afterwards and Sets and I decide that since Dear Friend and Lights are getting dinner together, that we’re going out for beer.

Two craft beers, one giant margarita and a burrito later and we’re feeling quite ready to tackle the hospitality suite for the last night of the festival. She straight away squeezes Lights onto the sofa between the two of us and now I have the opportunity for the casual touching that precludes any great seduction. We finally have the chance to chat and he proves himself to not be just a pretty face, but a very interesting human indeed.

The hour once again grows late and I’ve all but given up hope on having a festival hookup. Which is fine! It wasn’t my goal for going by any means, but it would have been nice. Sets decides she should get going. Early start, traveling day, etc.

Lights: Oh, are you guys leaving?

Me: Yeah, I’m not gonna let her walk back to the hotel by herself, that’s just not decent. But we’re going to smoke first if you want to come down.

Lights: Yeah, maybe you could come back afterwards.

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Winning. That’s all the in I needed. However, I’m even more pleased when a mutual friend of ours offers to walk my inebriated friend across town so I can go back upstairs. Way to go, wing-people! We head in, another drink is had, and then the question I’d been waiting to hear. “You wanna take a walk?”

Don’t mind if I do! Especially if by take a walk you mean down to your room. Which he did. Keep in mind that it’s already past two at this point and I’m mildly intoxicated and running on about three hours of sleep. For the next hour and a half or so, we just sit, chat and sober up. Which is marvelous. Not awkward even though we’re really just getting to know each other, not even super flirty. He thought it was darling that my southern accent comes out when I’m sleep deprived and didn’t mind that sometimes I don’t make any sense at all.

One thing leads to another and then we’re kissing in the living room. He’s a little taller than me and way broader and once I got pulled flush up against him the part of my brain that used to sub sits up and takes notice. Hello, hindbrain, it’s been a while! This is especially true since I don’t pull out the Domme side the first time I sleep with someone I don’t really know. That generally doesn’t go over well. We end up in the bedroom and for a while we just made out like teenagers. No hurry, no real end goal in sight, but it’s nice. Like, extremely nice.

Once he started kissing down the side of my neck warning bells begin to go off in my brain. I very much want certain things in bed and since it was sweet and gentle I noticed my attention start to wander. This is in no way polite to Lights and I know this. A lot of girls love sweet and gentle. Myself included sometimes! But that’s not what I wanted. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I love being bitten and was more than fine with him leaving marks. I live in the Midwest, nobody is going to see any of my skin until at least May when it starts getting above the negative degrees, so I wanted something to really remember. And bless his wonderful little heart, he didn’t even question it. I’ve been with more than a few people who get turned off or weirded out by the fact that I’m a masochist, but not this man.

Not that my proclivities are weird, but you know what I'm saying!

Not that my proclivities are weird, but you know what I’m saying!

With a promptness that I was incredibly relieved by, he was sinking his teeth into the base of my neck. No hesitation, no qualms, no questions. And it wasn’t a quick bite. He latched on and stayed. And then all of my bones turned to water. All right, game fucking on. I straight up told him how pleased I was that he didn’t call me a psychopath and leave (which is just hurtful, never call someone that because of their sexual preferences! Public service announcement of the day) and he was baffled by even the thought. “You like it, so let’s do it.” Yes. Let’s.

All of this loveliness and he was still a complete gentleman about things. I was asked how far we were going instead of him just assuming that since we were on a bed I’d be putting out. It got to the point where I was flinching whenever his mouth moved to a different part of me regardless of if he was aiming to bite me or not. Which I love. I really like when people mix things up and you don’t know what they’re going to do next. I was shaking before we even got to the sex and for me that’s saying a whole hell of a lot. It was the kind of thing where your whole body is trying to curl up in terrible pain and everything in you is screaming to fight it and get away so it stops. But then you make yourself just accept it for the gift it is and all the tension snaps out of you like a rubber band.

Pain during sex has always brought me a wonderful kind of clarity. My brain gets crystallized and fuzzy at the same time and there’s just that one bright spot of agony to focus on. I might prefer being on the more dominant side of things these days, but I’ll always be a tried and true sadomasochist. I most definitely get turned on by hurting or manipulating a consenting partner, but sometimes it’s so nice to flip that coin the other way and let somebody tear you up properly. And I most certainly was torn up, take a look at these! And this is just a couple of them!

I was colorful before these starting swelling up!

I was colorful before these starting swelling up!

It does help that I bruise easy, though.

It does help that I bruise easy, though.

If he ever goes missing or needs to be identified, the authorities could feasibly get dental record from me.

If he ever goes missing or needs to be identified, the authorities could feasibly get dental record from me.

I was teased, I was hurt and I was taken extremely good care of. I was bitten, scratched, spanked and very thoroughly fucked. When I came he had one hand around my throat, the other fisted in my hair and his teeth buried in my arm. Heaven. I can say with a very bummed kind of honesty that I’ve only had one, maybe two orgasms given to me by casual partners. Hell, I’ve had long term relationships where I didn’t get anything physical out of them. Which granted, female genitalia is bizarre and confusing and everybody reacts differently to stimuli. Usually I go into one night stands or informal type situations not expecting orgasms. I like sex for the thrill of doing something exciting and getting to know another human in an intimate way. Dominance, for me, is not about Life Changing Orgasms. But this is all completely off topic when all I really meant to say was I’m quite impressed that Lights managed to get me off. Seriously, well done. We can talk about those things some other time.

Anyways! I was already bruising colors before I left for my hotel this morning. Which my roommate colleague for the week saw when I stumbled back into our room. She was hella pleased for my victory. As a side note, I missed a group of my students in the lobby by about ten minutes. Not that they would have been appalled, I would’ve gotten high fives all around. It doesn’t count as a walk of shame when you’re not ashamed of what you’ve done. That was a victory march.

What a way to end the festival week. Excellent conversation, wonderful sex that I’m more than down for repeating sometime and a whole bunch of new friends and contacts. I can’t move my arms without being in pain and that is one of my favorite things in the world. I’ll have reminders on my skin to look at for at least a week and that’s if I leave them totally alone and just let them heal. Which I probably won’t.

So the Cornhusker State was a massive success in all kinds of ways this past week. Do I want a boyfriend again? Not in the slightest. Do I enjoy super fun sex with creative and intelligent men? Why, yes I do! He’s already offered his home for a weekend sometime, so maybe if I feel like making a mini roadtrip I’ll take him up on that. What’ve I got to lose?

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

On the Prowl!

Hello from Nebraska, my loves! Your Mistress is currently spending the week in the Cornhusker State for a conference and I’m having a stupid amount of fun. Land of amazing steak and people who don’t smile at you on the street as you walk past. There are plays to see, workshops to attend and an open bar EVERY FREAKING NIGHT in the faculty hospitality suite where I’ve been doing the most intensive schmoozing of my life. My department head likes to meet me up there and then abandon me after about ten minutes and it’s forcing me to make friends. Which has never been difficult for me, I’m very much the social butterfly type. I’m going to be extremely vain for a moment and say that it’s super fun to be at least fifteen years younger than all of my faculty peers from other colleges. There are super perks to being 24 and surrounded by seasoned academics and designers. All my colleagues are trying to hook me up with someone while we’re here. As are my students. Which is kind of creepy/weird, but also adorable. Kind of like the killer bunny from Holy Grail. Here’s a scenario that has happened more than once.

Standing in line waiting to order lunch – a short story

Me: Hi, could I get the salmon salad, ple-

Student (to the baffled man at the register): Hey, you know she’s single and in town for a week? You’re cute!

Me: Correct on all accounts.

Taken aback cashier: … Here’s your receipt?

My students have the subtlety levels of a brick.

My students have the subtlety levels of a brick.

And then there was this.

In the car with a colleague, not even halfway to the conference

NPR: Up next on ‘Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ –

Colleague: Hey, speaking of, how would you feel about meeting a very smart, super talented, burly Italian man? Cause I know a nice one where we’re going.

Me: … What does that have to do with the weekend puzzle?

I dearly love the group of people I’m with, but it seems that all they want is for me to have a torrid affair. In Nebraska. Which is obviously a hotbed for romance. In all honesty, the most interesting people I’ve met so far have been department heads from other schools in the Midwest – one of which offered me illegal drugs (which I politely declined) because people in my profession are fabulous. I’ve also had multiple gentlemen offer to walk me back to my hotel from the conference center because people out this way are stupidly nice. And it’s not even that they want to sleep with me or have nefarious purposes! They’ve all been married or gay! It’s just that it’s hella cold here, my hotel is about eight blocks away from the center and I’m usually heading back around 2 in the morning. Having lived in interesting parts of Atlanta, I’m not at all intimidated by Lincoln, Nebraska, late at night. The lovely bartender did give me a lift one night, though, so that was darling.

Though tonight I have a goal! There’s a lighting designer I have my eye on, so maybe something can come of it this evening. He was very much monopolized by some unpleasant tech gremlin last night, but we definitely had some serious eye contact moments. The whole, you’re both involved in conversations with different people but you keep glancing over to gauge where the other is in the room. And we have a very dear friend in common, so that’s always helpful. I should’ve let him walk me home last night, but I’m sharing a room with a colleague and didn’t want to come across as a wilting flower. So the plan is for us to actually get to chat this evening wherein I will be wearing bombass shoes and a fabulous dress (which maybe I’ll post pictures of later!). And hopefully more than chat because seriously, he’s super nice to look at. And lord knows I want a conference hookup.

Though as a proud member of the BDSM community, random hookups are always either very interesting or completely boring. My last one night stand was with a very pleasant sailor who was some of the dullest sex of my life. Drunk, vanilla sex. The kind where once the guy gets off, you’re finally allowed to pass out from sheer boredom. And then when you wake up, they want to bang again. Which I am so not a fan of.

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If I slept with you for the first time while drunk, chances are I don’t want to do it again when I’m waking up sober. Even if I’m dating someone I’m not usually one for morning sex! I don’t wake up horny, it’s just not a thing for me. Granted, there have been times where I’ve been all for it, but not for one night stands. I can understand wanting to capitalize on having someone in your bed that will probably never be there again, but if you wake me up with your dick after three hours of sleep, I may very well reflexively punch you in the throat. No offense meant, but I’m just going to be a groggy starfish and not move.

Wow, this post kind of veered off into a very different direction than I planned! Anyways. If I play my cards right, I’ll definitely let you all know. Because I think the Lighting Designer would be way more fun than the Sailor. I rather like men who are older than me, so he would definitely be the conference winner. You’re all absolute gems, don’t forget it for a second!

This is the New Year

It’s a brand new year, my darlings, and I’ve had more than a few people ask what I’m looking for in 2014. Not just for myself, but in a potential partner since I’ve recently reentered the single life. I could write essays on things I might want, but I’m just going to give you a couple things that I definitely do want and a couple that I definitely don’t want. This might get lengthy, but we’ll see if I can keep it short.

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I Would Rather Eat Bees Than Have These Things in Any Kind of Relationship

–       A boyfriend – This is in no way to say that I don’t absolutely love committed, long term, monogamous relationships. I think they’re absolutely wonderful, make the world a better place, etc, lalalala. Just for me personally, not something that’s in the cards for the new year. Not looking, will actively avoid, do not want. Which is not to say that I won’t have any kind of human contact, just nothing serious. My sister’s mutant power is that she can make absolutely anyone fall madly in love with her in two weeks or less, so thank god that’s not a problem for me.

–       Someone who isn’t complete – None of that ‘you complete me’ bullshit. I think that’s absurd. Why in the hell would I be with someone who isn’t a whole person? I don’t want someone full of holes, someone who doesn’t have their own life, their own interests. No swiss cheese people! If I don’t meet your friends, I’m going to assume that you don’t have any. You’re going to meet mine hella quick; they’re one of the best ways to help scope out a potential partner in my book. I prefer a ‘you complement me.’ Go out and do your own things, take time off from each other, be just fine alone! For me, I always realize anew that I’m totally happy when not in a relationship and I like to see that in other people.

Noooooo, thank you.

Noooooo, thank you.

–       Violence – Ok. I like to be a scary person sometimes. I’m sure I can expound on that at a later date, but I won’t tolerate any kind of violence based out of anger. Which seems like a no-brainer, but in a D/s scenario, sometimes lines have the potential to be blurred. I won’t stand for that. I will NEVER start a scene with someone if either of us is upset with the other. I’ve been in the relationship where I would be punished for imagined slights or things that weren’t within set guidelines. And I adore spontaneous scenes, but I’ve been viciously backhanded for hitting my brakes too hard in traffic. There’s marking because you both get off on it, and then there’s splitting lips and blacking eyes because someone didn’t know how to handle a whip properly and got you in the face. There’s play, and then there’s abuse. I could go on – and probably will sometime – about that part of my life, but not today.

–       24/7 – A full time D/s scenario is not in the cards for me. I’d much prefer to keep those interactions to scenes only. 24/2 sounds ok, but I’d be exhausted if I had to be that on top of things at all time. I like to put a lot of thought into scenes that I plan, and frankly I’m not sure I’m creative enough. I do enjoy rules and guidelines, routines that can be followed and that sort of thing, but I feel like both/all parties involved need some breathing room. The full time folks are incredibly disciplined and find it so fulfilling, but it’s just not something I personally need.

 

Things I Want Like You Wouldn’t Believe Though Not All of Them Are Deal Breakers

 –       Someone bigger than me – This is obviously not a must have, it’s just a want. I’ve never had a relationship with someone taller than me. I’ve been with men who could bench three of me put together, but never someone who towered over me. I feel like it’d be super gratifying to get someone who’s built like a truck on his knees. Which is super shallow in some respects, I get that, but that’d totally be something I could get behind.

Martin Freeman is 5'6". Me too. Jared, on the other hand, is roughly the size of a car.

Martin Freeman is 5’6″. Me too. Jared, on the other hand, is roughly the size of a car.

–       A masochist – I want a good, old-fashioned painslut. Someone whose brain is wired so that even if he’s looking at me with absolute fear in his eyes, he’s still loving every minute of it. The kind of person that will push my limits as much as I push him and who’ll take the hit and ask for more with every fiber of his being. In my most eye-opening D/s relationship, my partner loved it when I cried. I found it kind of frightening and degrading at first, but then once I figured myself out I realized it’s something I really enjoy. Especially when I’m the cause of it.

–       Someone who won’t make me feel guilty about what I want – I realize that some of the things that turn me on are outside of the normal bell curve. I had a very long, drunken conversation with one of my oldest friends recently and all he wanted was to make me orgasm as many times as possible. In the wake of so much scotch, he didn’t understand that for me, sex isn’t about how many times someone can get me off. I most certainly don’t need to come to have a good experience. Sure, it’s always nice, but my brain gets more out of having someone struggling at my hands than an inordinate amount of time spent doing things to my bathing suit area. Just sayin’.

 

So that’s what I’ve got, my darlings. Sister and I are making a list of things to accomplish in the new year, so maybe I’ll let you folks in on a couple of those in the coming days. And maybe tell you about the sailor I met last week. If you’re lucky.

Well… Huh.

Dear internet family, things have become interesting as of late. The Nerd and I parted ways a couple weeks ago. I’m just going to ramble a bit, try to work it all out for myself and maybe things will make some semblance of sense to y’all as well. There are about a million reasons I could cite for this, but the biggest factor would probably have to be the distance. I’ve done long distance before and it’s never been that much of an issue on my end, but I guess two thousand miles is a bit more than I anticipated, all things considered.

I love my job more than anything in the world other than my family. I couldn’t imagine doing anything besides what I do and I’m probably the most career driven young twenty something you’ve ever met. For my age I’ve accomplished a wonderful amount in my field and I want to keep that momentum going for as long as I possibly can. That might make me selfish, but I really love what I do. I love it more than being able to get my car fixed when it starts to break and more than wanting to live in an apartment bigger than a shoebox right now. And I’m not so selfish that I’ll string somebody along for an extra six months and waffle about the state of our affairs while I’m thousands of miles away. The fact that I was in New England for as long as I was is basically unheard of for me. And he was aware of this going in. I’m usually in and out of a state or area in four to six months, definitely not the amount of time I like to spend getting to know someone well enough to date. And in all honesty I’d convinced myself not to date him when we first started hanging out because I knew that there was a very real possibility that I’d be gone just as quickly as I came. As you all well know, that didn’t really take because he’s honestly an amazing person.

I didn’t know it was possible to find someone so on the same page as I was in so many different areas, but apparently it was. Naturally there are things about him that I didn’t like, but that could be said for any relationship and I wouldn’t want some perfect human next to me anyways. I prefer someone real. I won’t go into what those things are because I’m not here to trash talk or to be a bitch on the internet. According to my friends he’s doing enough of that for the both of us. Granted, I’m sure he was having a bad day when he proclaimed to facebook that he’s only ever dated assholes or when he posted a picture of a red headed girl who was causing his face to corrode, but that still definitely twinges a bit. And by twinges a bit I mean it was really hurtful despite the fact that I got the information secondhand since I was immediately unfriended after everything happened.

I like to think that I’m not a bad girlfriend. I’m considerate, I try to see things from my partner’s perspective and I’m pretty much the least judgmental person you’ll ever meet. I like to have fun and be sociable and I’ll try anything twice. I’m loyal to a fault even when offered other options that my partner would never be the wiser about. I’ve been cheated on before and god knows it tore me apart, so I would never do that to another person.

And I honestly believe that he would be so much happier with someone who was physically there for him. I’m way too much of a gypsy to even have a fish, much less somebody who stays in one spot and waits for me to come back. Because who knows if I’ll ever go back! I’ve conquered a lot of the east coast and I don’t see myself going back there anytime soon. I’m going west (young man) and I intend to keep heading that direction.

According to the Nerd, he has to stay in his current house for at least a year and I’ll easily move two or three times in that span. And he wouldn’t have come with me while I hopped, that’s just not something he’d be comfortable doing. Which is in no way a fault of his, I’m just not the type to put down roots right now. And I know we’d talked about that together, but looking back I can’t see myself doing it. Maybe if we’d been together longer before I moved this time, but there’s no use speculating on things that won’t happen.

I live in Minnesota, I’m currently visiting family in Georgia, I’ve applied for a summer job in South Dakota and I want to go to grad school somewhere in Europe in the next five years or so. I honestly like having the ability to pack my entire life into my Pontiac. I like being able to cover two thousand miles in two days and completely start fresh in a new place with new people. And really, that would just stress him the hell out and he would hate every minute of it. Which is no criticism on his part, it’s just another way that we’re different. Like people are.

I like traveling, huge crowds of people, big cities to explore, getting lost, busy clubs and trying weird new drinks I’ve never heard of. I wanna spend a summer backpacking through Europe and sleeping on the couches of strangers. And I don’t need someone to do these things with me. I’ve realized that I’m not one of those people who needs someone next to them to enjoy life. He told me that talking to me was like pulling teeth and I completely understand that. I was in the middle of putting up my first musical at the new job; 34ish people in the cast and almost all of them had multiple costumes. I was at work seven days a week and usually until late at night. I had people coming to me with questions what felt like every twelve seconds and I was run ragged. And I loved every minute of it.

So it’s not that either of us did anything wrong. And I know that for me there was no one to influence my decision. (Let’s be real, my coworkers are all at least twice my age and I only hang out with them and my students. Which… No, thank you, I’d like to keep my job.) And I have no intention of dating for quite some time. I was very happily single until the Nerd came along and then it feels like things happened so fast. I did some things way quicker than I think I was comfortable with but at least now I know myself a little better because of our time together. And I know he’ll find someone wonderful who complements him better than I ever did. Despite some of the unpleasant things he’s said recently, he’s a lovely person. I refuse to respond with anything passive aggressive or bitchy because I’m trying really hard to be an adult even though sometimes I wanna stomp around like a fifteen year old. But hopefully he starts to feel better soon. I really couldn’t mean that more if I tried.

It doesn’t matter if the breakup is mutual or totally one sided, there’s always going to be a grieving period. Am I happy to have felt the need to end things? Absolutely not. Do I feel like it was the right choice for both of us? I very much do. I can’t be there for him like he deserves and now, with any luck, he’ll be able to find that person that works with him better than I could. And I’ll be single for as long as I feel the need to be. This will be difficult at times, but I have faith that this will be for the best. And if he’s ever comfortable with the thought of being my friend, I’ll be right here.

For now, my friends, that’s all I’ve got. I’d be more than happy to hear whatever advice you have to give me. You’re all wonderful, don’t forget it for a second. All my love.

Oh lord, it’s been so long!

Hello, team! First and foremost comes my apology for not being around for the past couple months. All kinds of fun things have happened in my life and I don’t have internet where I’m currently living. So I’m posted up in a coffee shop so I can get back in touch with the real world. The nerd and I have been unfortunately apart from each other since the end of August, but I can safely say that I’ve found the best job I’ve ever had. I’m working at a college in Minnesota and it’s absolutely amazing. I love my students, my coworkers are wonderful and I’m doing exactly what I want to with my life right now. I’ve designed two shows so far here and both have gone over just about as well as they can. My job is up for evaluation at the end of the school year, so fingers crossed I pass this trial run and get to stay here for a bit. I’m a little bit terrified of the coming winter, but with any luck I won’t freeze to death. According to my new friends I now live in the second coldest state in the country. Being raised in a place where winter only gets down to about 25 on a super cold day, this is pretty frightening. It was 3 degrees the other night and everybody laughed at me when I said it was the coldest I’ve ever been. Negative forty degrees is not out of the norm here and that’s just not ok.

On a more amusing note, I’m roughly twelve second older than most of my students, so some interesting situations have arisen. It’s hard wanting to hang out with people when it’s kind of frowned upon by the higher ups. It’s not like I’m not allowed to, but it would look kinda weird. And I know this! But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to. I love my colleagues, but they’re all about twice my age. Still super fun and I really do love a classy wine night as much as the next 24 year old, but sometimes I just want to be stupid with folks my own age.

I have one kid who comes over for movie drinking games, so thank god for that. We’ll call him the nemesis since he and I like to verbally tear the other apart. There is a massive lack of decorum in our working relationship and I kind of love it. I might be the expert on something for this campus, have an army of minions to do my bidding and generally feel like the mom/cool aunt to a department, but he walks into my office with a flippant, “Hey, slut,” and it weirdly makes my day. It’s nice to be able to antagonize someone instead of being so goddamn helpful and nice all the time.

The nemesis is in a very similar situation to mine in that his significant other is on the other side of the world this semester, so we can bemoan living as monks together. But he gets to see her in just over a month and I have no idea when I’ll be seeing the nerd next. Though I am excited to meet her; anyone who can put up with that guy must be a saint. I only say this because I like him so much, truly. OH! And that detective prick totally found the blog, team. Which means he might be seeing this, everyone say hello!

I mentioned one day that I had an anonymous blog so I wouldn’t go insane with all the weird shit in my head and apparently he made it a life’s mission to find it. And find it he did! Something about backtracking through my sister’s twitter account and playing connect the dots? And my Fet profile? I don’t even know. Everything I do is lacking my name for a reason. Lots of universities wouldn’t approve of some kind of deviant molding the young minds of their children, so I like to keep things under wraps. It was past two in the morning and I was with him while he was doing lighting cues for the musical and he name dropped the nerd. I didn’t think anything of it for half a second. Then there was that instant moment of ohshitohshit before I realized he’s actually a halfway decent human and it’s not like he’ll go posting it on corkboards around campus.

So it’s nice that somebody here knows my brain. You don’t realize how stifling it can be when no one around you is privy to parts of your personality. I’m very open with my friends when they have lifestyle questions and things like that, but I do like to keep things at least slightly professional at work. Again, difficult when the youngest students are 18 and the oldest are 22.

So, yeah. Things are pretty fierce at the moment, team! Life is chilly, but amazing. Working professionally in the field you got a degree in is almost unheard of these days and I have a dream job. I’m hella missing my sub, like you do, but we shall overcome! Excelsior and all that. It’ll be made a lot easier in this coming week, though. My amazing sister is flying up to Fargo so we can drive back down to Georgia together. I haven’t seen her in going on a year and it’s been killing me. I haven’t had more than four days off in a row for about two years so getting back home to see the family is next to impossible. I’ll be there for a nice chunk of time, thank whatever deity you choose. I’d love to head back up to New England to see the nerd, but the holidays are stupid busy in the industry he’s stuck in, so we’ll see if we can make it happen. If not, we totally got this. I have stops to make all over the south since I’ve been gone so long, so if nothing else I’ll be keeping busy.

My goal is to keep you all posted more of the regular. The musical opened last night, so my schedule has just gotten magically a lot clearer, gotta love openings! I have two shows to design over December, but there will be internet where I’m heading so I’ll be taking advantage of it. The next post will be something appropriately D/s themed, never fear. I have to make up for all the time I’ve lost with you guys!

As always, you’re all absolutely stunning and I’ve seriously missed talking with you. It’ll be nice working with proper villains again. 😀

Shine On Award!

Hi guys! So, the lovely Domina Jen got an award from the ever poetic writingthebody and stuck my blog down at the end of her post as a shout out.

shineon1

For which I am ever grateful! It still kind of blows my mind that anybody in the wide internet cares about what the Nerd and I have to say, but hopefully we can keep making you all smile and think about things a little bit! So as a respectful nod in her direction, I’m going to go through and answer the same questions that she did. With any luck the Nerd will also answer them since unfortunately we’re not in the same place at the moment. She put her answers after writingthebody’s, so I’ll put hers first and mine second!

1. Rank these kinds of weather from best to worst: Sunny and hot, misty and cold, rain and cool, snow, ice, windy

Her answer: Sunny and hot, windy, snow, ice, misty and cold, rain and cool (although putting these in order does not do justice to the seething hatred I have for rain. It’s unnatural and weird.)

My answer: Sunny and hot, windy, misty and rain, rain and cool, snow, ice. I just had my first actual winter in Rhode Island and I cannot tell you how many times I ate the ground because of all the ice. And I’m from Georgia, I bruise like a peach.

2. Do you like outdoor music festivals?

Her answer: Never been to one.

My answer: Freaking. Love. Them. Some of the best times of my life have been at festivals, you get to see so many bands you love in one convenient location! Yes, they’re hot as hell in Atlanta, but they’re so worth it. One time I went to one, people weren’t even supposed to be outside it was so hot in the city, but we were all out there for a good fourteen hours. EPIC.

3. Do you like drinking water?

Her answer: Yes, especially frozen and put in alcohol.

My answer: Very much the same as Domina Jen’s! Water is best when it’s seen as condensation on the side of my beer bottle and it had better stay the hell away from my scotch!

4. Favourite alcoholic drink

Her answer: Margaritas!!!

My answer: I’m a die hard whiskey fan. Or if I’m feeling very daring then I order a good scotch. Though I did work at a tequila bar for a year, and sipping tequila is a thing of beauty!

5. Best drug experience

Her answer: Never tried recreational drugs. The couple of times I’ve been given morphine have been a trip, though (I don’t know if that counts). But one day, far in the future, when the kid is grown and moved away, I want to try Ecstasy. Just once. Just to see if it’s as amazing as everyone says it is.

My answer: True life, the only drug I’ve ever tried is weed and it does absolutely nothing to me. Which sucks. I’ve been told that Molly is freaking phenomenal, so I’d probably go for that if I had someone on hand to make sure I didn’t do anything too absurd.

6. Most fun while not taking anything

Her answer: The occasional nights where kazander and I do nothing but listen to music, bicker playfully at each other, and talk. Those are my favorite nights.

My answer: Anytime that I can either be with my family or with my best friend. Doesn’t matter what we’re doing. And the Nerd is quickly claiming a spot as someone who I want to be around all the freaking time, so that’s a thing that there is.

7. Greatest sorrow?

Her answer: Mistakes made in the past.

My answer: There have been times when both my sister and my best friend really needed me and I’ve been stupidly far away and couldn’t get out of work. I love my job more than anything, but sometimes it makes me want to punch walls.

And on the same wavelength as the blogger who passed these my way, here are some other pages that you should check out!

http://submissiveinseattle.wordpress.com/

http://theresawordwhore.wordpress.com/

http://dianekepler.wordpress.com/

http://mysticsmindfuck.com/

http://chainmailflogger.wordpress.com/